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Bear Jokes

This section contains jokes for younger cubs, older cubs, and those of us simply young at heart! If you have a joke you want to suggest, please send us a message.

In the meantime, we hope you enjoy the following:


For the younger cubs...

How do you start a Teddy bear race?
Teddy, Set, Go!

How do Teddies keep their houses cool in summer?
They use bear conditioning.

How do Teddies send their letters?
By bear mail, of course!

What's the difference between a Teddy bear and an apple?
Teddy bears don't grow on trees.

What animal do you look like when you get into the bath?
A little bear!

Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet?
It lives on ice!

What do Teddy bears do when it rains?
They get wet.

Why is the letter "D" like a bear's belly button?
Because they are both in the middle of Teddy.

What kind of umbrella does a Teddy bear carry when it's raining?
A wet one!

What did the Teddy bear say when he was offered a second helping?
"No thanks; I'm already stuffed!"

"Who's been eating my porridge?" squeaked Baby Bear.
"And who's been eating my porridge?" cried Mother Bear.
"Burp!" said Father Bear

What's small and cuddly and bright purple?
A koala holding his breath.

What do you call a Teddy bear at the North Pole?
Lost!

Why did they make two Yogi Bears?
Because they made a Boo-Boo with the first one.


For the older cubs...

What do you do with a green Teddy bear?
Wait until he's ripe!

What happens if Teddy gets torn?
He runs and runs until he gets a stitch.

Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda'd to its every whim!

Why do Teddy bear cookies wear long trousers?
Because they've got crummy legs.

What's the difference between a Teddy and a turkey?
If you don't know that, maybe you shouldn't cook any holiday dinners....

What's white, furry, and shaped like a tooth?
A molar bear!

A polar bear goes into a bar and says, "May I have a gin . . . . . . . and . . . . . . . . tonic, please?"
The barman begins to serve him but asks, "Why the large pause?"
The polar bear says, "Don't know; I've always had them!"

Why did the first koala fall out of the tree?
He was dead.

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
He was holding the first koala's hand.

Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
He thought it was a game.

What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre!


... And for those of us simply young at heart!

Campaigns to bear-proof all garbage containers in wild areas have been difficult because, as one biologist put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."


In light of rising human/grizzly bear encounters, the Montana Department of Fish and Game recently cautioned hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and to keep alert of bears while in the field:

"We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle the bears. We also recommend outdoorsmen carry pepper spray with them in case of a confrontation with a bear."

The department further advised people to watch for fresh signs of bear activity:

"Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear excrement. Black bear excrement is typically smaller, and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear excrement is larger, has little bells in it, and smells like pepper."


A man was hiking in the woods one day when a bear chased him up a really tall tree. The bear started to climb the tree, so the man climbed higher. The bear climbed down and went away. So the hiker started to climb down the tree.

Suddenly, the bear returned and brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climbed up the tree, the bigger bear going even higher than the first. But the guy climbed higher still, so the bears couldn't reach him. Eventually, the bears climbed down and went away.

Naturally quite relieved, the hiker started down the tree again.

But once again, the two bears returned. And this time the guy knew he was in big trouble: each bear was carrying a beaver.


Two hikers were out in the woods when all of a sudden, a bear started chasing them. They climbed a tree, but the bear started climbing up the tree after them. The first hiker got his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

The second hiker said, "What are you doing?"

The first responded, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it."

The second said, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear!"

The first guy replied, "I don't have to outrun the bear; I just have to outrun you!"


A bear walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender, amazed that this bear can actually talk, silently gives him a beer.

"Thanks," the bear says. "What do I owe you?"

The bartender stops and thinks for a moment. Even though this bear is smart, he thinks, he probably hasn't been in many bars. So the bartender says, "That'll be ten dollars." The bear forks over the money and starts drinking his beer.

After a few minutes, the bartender gives in to his curiosity and walks back over to the bear.

"You know, we don't get many bears in this bar."

The bear looks up from his beer and says, "Well, at ten bucks a beer, I'm not surprised."


A couple of hunters from Prague were out hunting when all of a sudden an enormous bear ran up and in a single gulp devoured one of the hunters. Miraculously, the swallowed hunter remained alive but trapped in the belly of the grizzly.

The second hunter ran back to town and organized a rescue party, and then headed back to the woods. The party soon spotted two bears on the horizon and started shooting at the bear closest to them.

"No, not that one," shouted the second hunter. "That's the female. The Czech is in the male."


A Christian was hiking in the woods one day when he came upon an angry bear. The bear stood up on its hind legs and growled ferociously, clearly preparing to charge. In panic, the Christian started to run, but the bear followed close on his heels.

Finally the hiker came to a cliff. He dropped to his knees and asked God to please make this bear a good Christian bear. To the hiker's amazement, the bear suddenly stopped growling, fell to his knees and clasped his paws together in prayer!

"Thank you, Lord!" exclaimed the Christian.

"Thank you, Lord!" exclaimed the bear, "for this meal I'm about to receive!"


Three city dwellers went for a drive into the mountains one day with the hope of seeing some bears. They drove along an old dirt road until they entered the trees. As they rounded a curve, they spotted a sign that read, "BEAR LEFT."

So they turned around and went home.


A panda walked into a restaurant, sat down, and ordered a sandwich. He calmly ate the sandwich, but then without warning pulled out a gun and shot the waiter dead.

As the panda stood up to go, the manager ran up to him and shouted, "Hey! Where are you going? You shot Steve and now you think you're just going to leave?!"

The panda shrugged, said, "Hey man, I'm a panda!" – and resumed walking.

The manager was furious. "What has THAT got to do with anything?" he yelled.

"Well, I'm sure you;ve got a dictionary; look it up!" the panda replied. Hardly able to believe what he was doing, the manager stormed back to his office, opened his dictionary and read the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."


A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transformation.


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